Scene from the movie Mr. & Mrs. Smith:
Mr. Smith: “First time we met, what was your first thought?”
Mrs. Smith: “You tell me.”
Mr. Smith: “I thought…I thought you looked like Christmas morning. I don’t know how else to say it.”
Mrs. Smith: “And why are you telling me this now?”
Mr. Smith: Guess in the end you start thinking about the beginning.”
Guess so… turns out I couldn’t remember why things got so bad between my ex and me. I remembered him carefully wiping the food off my sweater, reaching for my hand as we crossed the street, him admiring me lovingly, an eskimo kiss here and there, him reading to me, playing me a song on his guitar, talking with me over the phone until I was ready to fall asleep, walking together for hours… in the end, you long for what you started with… what felt like a fairytale romance.
So let’s rewind…
You begin with the fairytale, which quickly evaporates into, “Leave me the fuck alone. I never want to see you again! Let me move on with my life.” You’ve now entered into “I hate you mode”, where you say you hate the person, but really it’s your way of coping with the awful fluffy emotions that keep trying to re-surface and lock you into a not-so-ideal situation. So, all the horrible things that person (who claimed to love you) ever said/did are on instant replay in your head. A little time passes, you cool off and you’re back to thinking, “maybe love will conquer all.” Congratulations, you’ve now entered “vicious cycle mode”. At this stage, you choose to forget what got you to break-up in the first place and you blindly succumb to a false hope that things will definitely be better this time around. A week later, you’re back to, “I knew this wouldn’t work! It’s not meant to be. Why did I even bother?” Of course, there are the lucky few who manage to break free of the cycle with the help of a little something called indifference. A feeling that creeps in over time and blurs out everyday thoughts about the person you’ve begged your mind to forget. Out of sight, out of mind…
All of a sudden you’re cured! Finally, you can reminisce without the fear of getting the urge to call/text/e-mail or stalk the person you once loved. Once you’ve reached indifference, that chapter of your life has officially been sealed. The search for a new fairytale is on and it’s exciting!
I’m almost there.