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A Monologue – Sanity vs. Me

(I wrote this for the York University Theatre Program entry audition in 2005. Six years later, I still think this way!)

So you’re lying in bed one night and you think to yourself, one day I will cease to exist. Can you honestly say that you lived your life the way you wanted to? There are so many unfulfilled dreams and goals that are utterly lost because, well, death gets in the way.

I for one refuse to let that happen. I want to know that I left something good behind…a legacy. I want to have made a difference. In anybody’s life or everybody’s life. Death is a scary thing. To know that one day you’ll go to sleep and never wake up, that’s a morbid thought! The funny thing is people say that if you go to heaven you’ll live eternally and forever with God…but isn’t that a bit frightening too? I mean, think for just a second, forever is an extremely long time. Wouldn’t you eventually run out of things to do? Especially when everything’s so pure and innocent. At least behaving badly or rebelling makes things a little more interesting. I’m not trying to imply hell is some kind of a wonderful place, just….forever seems like an awfully long time to be good! So either way, dying or being immortal in the afterlife freaks me out.

Life is the only sure thing…or is it? Have you ever questioned if we really exist, if we’re real? Well, I have!  Big surprise, right? The loony girl who doesn’t want to die and doesn’t want to live forever questions her existence. I promise I’m NOT insane, just…a compulsive thinker!

A blazing hot summer’s day about a week ago, a friend and I were enjoying a tub each of frozen yogurt (it was one of those self-serve places, where they hand you an over-sized bin to put your dessert in. Subconsciously you try to fill the container and end up with a litre of the ice-cream wannabe). In between spoonfuls, he shared with me his favourite theory on life. He said billions of atoms began to expand, until they created the universe as we know it today. Apparently, once these atoms are exhausted from all the expanding, they decide to shrink back down together until the world is no more. Then they get bored and do it all over again…and over and over (every trillion years or so). And because they are the exact same atoms, dividing and conquering in the exact same way, the result is always the same. Hence, he continued, “You know that sensation you get sometimes, like you’ve been somewhere or done something before in the same, identical manner? It’s because you have!” I believe in God and this theory sounded like a counterpart to the Big Bang, but before I could get my Christian panties in a bunch, he explained that the atoms still had to be created by some higher power. It’s weird to fathom that light years from now I could possibly be sitting at this very same dark oak computer desk, in front of my incredibly ancient PC sharing this with you yet again. Where will you be?

Someone very dear to me (my mom) forwarded this quote along….

“Learn from the mistakes of others – you can never live long enough to make them all yourself” – John Luther

So, whether you are trying to live your life to the fullest because you believe you only live once or whether you think that life is one big déjà vu destined to repeat itself indefinitely, this quote imparts wisdom to help you do it right no matter how many times you get to experience it. The less time you take making the same mistakes as the people around you, the more time you’ll have to spend working towards making your dreams come true!



About Little Miss Spanglish

Bright-eyed dreamer, set in her ways... enjoys working-out to slow jams. Hates being called by her full name by people close to her. Has never had a pet, yet has names picked out for her future fish, cat and Teacup pig (name of future dog still in the works). Loves receiving handwritten letters in the mail (long, handwritten messages in thoughtfully picked out cards also result in a smile). Will stare in disdain at her plate if it is inhabited by: brown rice, asparagus or beets (coming around on the beets). Finds skipping-down-a-sidewalk to be a lost art in adults... refuses to let that happen to her.


One thought on “A Monologue – Sanity vs. Me

  1. I have the EXACT same thoughts about the afterlife (that forever in perfection would get pretty boring after a while. My mom usually counters with the argument that perfection means we would never be bored, because that would be less than perfect. Meh.), which is why I hope reincarnation is real and I get to come back as a spoiled house kitty. Regarding the atoms….I’d like to hope it wouldn’t happen the *exact* same way, over and over. That would get boring, too. I don’t have enough science-y knowledge to back up my thoughts, but I’m thinking when cells split, sometimes mutations, great or small, happen. Maybe the same is true for all the atoms that make up the universe, and perhaps they change enough to keep things interesting from existence to existence.

    Posted by Liz Vona | January 3, 2012, 2:55 am

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